Sunday, August 1, 2010

UAE Criminals Working Overtime to Finish Nefarious Schemes by Oct 11 Deadline

2010 August 01

Terrorists, assassins, smugglers and extortionists in the United Arab Emirates are at wit's end now that the state telecom authority has announced that it will be blocking untraceable Blackberry services nationwide starting October the 11th.

"I have to work weekends now. When the f*** am I going to watch Twilight: Eclipse?", grumbled Al Qaeda operative Mustafa al-Masri. As he wrestles with the wiring on his third IED of the day, his wizened mentor (who prefers not to be named) paces about their quarters-cum-workshop anxiously. "This is so very bad for business," he sighs, as he checks his BB emails for the eighteenth time in half as many minutes.

Russian mafia hitman Nikolai "Nimrod" Leonov shares the sentiment. "We had a three-day window to get that last big fish," he gripes, referring to a prominent businessman. "Now it's three hours. Besides," he momentarily smirks, "there's that cute lady I met at Marina Mall a few days back, and have been constantly exchanging BB messages with ever since."

D-Company's Santosh Shetty laughs at the irony of his situation. "That courier from the Rajan gang kept taunting me, saying he can 'pwn our n00b operations' now that he got himself some fancy new phone. After months of resistance, I finally caved in and bought one at a Dubai Summer Surprises sale last week," he mopes, twirling his complimentary Modhesh keychain. "Seriously, this sucks! Hmmm," he muses out loud, "you think I can send all my scheduled extortion threats in advance for the rest of the financial year?"

By overseas correspondent Sohan Dsouza for Incredible News Network

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