UAE Criminals Working Overtime to Finish Nefarious Schemes by Oct 11 Deadline

2010 August 01

Terrorists, assassins, smugglers and extortionists in the United Arab Emirates are at wit's end now that the state telecom authority has announced that it will be blocking untraceable Blackberry services nationwide starting October the 11th.

"I have to work weekends now. When the f*** am I going to watch Twilight: Eclipse?", grumbled Al Qaeda operative Mustafa al-Masri. As he wrestles with the wiring on his third IED of the day, his wizened mentor (who prefers not to be named) paces about their quarters-cum-workshop anxiously. "This is so very bad for business," he sighs, as he checks his BB emails for the eighteenth time in half as many minutes.

Russian mafia hitman Nikolai "Nimrod" Leonov shares the sentiment. "We had a three-day window to get that last big fish," he gripes, referring to a prominent businessman. "Now it's three hours. Besides," he momentarily smirks, "there's that cute lady I met at Marina Mall a few days back, and have been constantly exchanging BB messages with ever since."

D-Company's Santosh Shetty laughs at the irony of his situation. "That courier from the Rajan gang kept taunting me, saying he can 'pwn our n00b operations' now that he got himself some fancy new phone. After months of resistance, I finally caved in and bought one at a Dubai Summer Surprises sale last week," he mopes, twirling his complimentary Modhesh keychain. "Seriously, this sucks! Hmmm," he muses out loud, "you think I can send all my scheduled extortion threats in advance for the rest of the financial year?"

By overseas correspondent Sohan Dsouza for Incredible News Network

Picture credit: http://www.blackberrycool.com/2009/02/12/nuclear-weapons-lab-blackberry-goes-missing-in-axis-of-evil/

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UAE Regulator To Suspend BlackBerry Services From Oct 11

http://www.zawya.com/Story.cfm/sidZW20100801000055

Emirates Telecommunications Corp., or Etisalat, the country's biggest telco, said in an emailed statement that it fully understands the legal and social considerations behind the U.A.E. regulator decision.

"In line with its commitment towards its customers, Etisalat will soon be announcing a range of alternative mobility products and services for its existing blackberry customers," it added.

Dubai-based Emirates Integrated Telecommunications Corp., or Du, said in a statement on WAM that it would fully comply with the TRA's instruction.

The reaction from members of the local business community Sunday was far from understanding.

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"In my business time is money, the more time I have to spend in the office to email rather than send an email from any location means I will lose money," he added.

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Male orders hymen (Mohamed Al Rahhal, The Guardian)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/oct/28/artificial-hymen

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The introduction of the artificial hymen on the Egyptian market has been forewarned by alarmists as the demise of all morality, providing women with a free-for-all opportunity for sexual promiscuity.

Yet the opposite is truer. Instead, this product allows society to bury its head in the sand and continue to engage in the hypocritical game of the "three drops of blood". It can only perpetuate the national illusion of our sexless perfection.

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